me oh my. where to start.

My journey to hell and back is over. Saturday marked my one year anniversary since ditching assfucker, and moving back home to New Jersey where I belong.

I've said it a million and five times already, but it is bloody amazing how much one's life (and mindset) can change in a matter of 12 short months.

I knew this year was going to be horrible. I got through it by looking forward to November 21st, and realizing that on that day, all the shit Ive been through, all the pain, all the suffering, all the drudgery...was over. There were times this year when i just wanted to die, and seriously seriously contemplated ending it all. I suffered from the worst depression that i've ever endured. I fell into a cycle of alcoholism and drug abuse, of feeling sorry for myself and laziness. I fell into the proverbial "safety net" of the mental health system, and struggled with...everything.

After all I've seen this year, it almost doesnt even matter "what" anymore. I lost myself. I lost family, i lost dignity, i lost friends, I lost control. I shall forever remember this as the year of growing up, and fully making my exodus from "early 20's", to adulthood.

My losses this year are so many. My grandmother was by far the worst, and most painful, and as thanksgiving approaches in just 2 short days, obviously the wound has been picked at, but not totally reopened.

Last night, I fell into a bit of a rut again. I was worried about Joe, and had some anxiety about my dad flying in tonight. As I was driving on route one, I happened to look to the sky for a moment...I saw a shooting star.

It only lasted a fraction of a second, but it's instant flicker of beauty was a comfort to me. A shooting star is a rarity. Billions pass through space every second, but only a few select are lucky enough to see them, and even then, it's truly a once in a blue sort of experiance.

Much like life...billions are created and taken every year, but only a few are lucky enough to expirance the beauty of a particular soul, and that life is but a shooting star in the grand scheme, lasting only 80 or so years compared to the unmeasurable amount of "time" that said time has been in existance.

I knew, as I saw the flicker of golden copper rainbow arch across the unflinching walmart, that i was lucky enough to have my grandmother's love grace my life, even if it was only for 26 years.

The bittersweetness of it overwhelmed me.

Life has thrown me a curve ball this year, but I made it through. Somehow, I made it through. I've survived more then I ever had to deal with in my entire life. I stand here now, one year later, more enlightened, more grown up, slightly more bitter, but so much more rounded, understanding, and empathetic.

You couldnt pay me to relive this year, but in some odd sort of way, I suppose i'm grateful. I shall never again look at life so simplistically again. I'm grateful to be home, i'm grateful for my friends and family, i'm grateful for my little nephew, (also born this year), i'm grateful for my dogs, i'm grateful for my wonderful boyfriend, (who I would never have met if I didnt have to go through a few toads ::cough cough rob and andrew:: (actually, calling those two "toads" would be a compliment to them, and an insult to toads)

today, fittingly enough, marks the 8 year anniversary since my best friend hung herself.